Monday, February 09, 2009

Fragments of the Same Dead Star

My colleague recently sent this message to his friends when he felt suicidal,

"What is life? You are born into this world without knowing your future, your purpose, your strength and your weakness. You are just thrown into hell by who knows what miracle power and used like a chess which ends up died like a pawn in the end.

What's the point of living if you can't remember when you die? Is there even an afterlife to wander in or it is all but a dream and we will wake up to see only you, yourself alive?

Or are we?

If destiny is fixed even at this point of, me thinking of destiny is part of my destiny. Then, who fixed it? Or what fixed it? If it isn't fixed, how can things happen?

Where does luck come in then? What has faith got to do with life since all is destine? Even change in destine may be destined itself.

Destine. Fate. Luck. Life.

Yet we can't reject the idea of death. Did you seek death or did it seek you. Maybe death designed life to hunt you. And luck is just to make it more fun. =) (i have no idea why he inserted a smiley here)

Death's party awaits.

I strongly empathize with him and I couldn't help but to read the message over and over again. Maybe it is because I almost ended mine recently.



I'll save the storytelling for some other time. The gist of it? I'd thought everything else was meaningless to me at that point of time. I would say I was mentally <----> this close to leave everything and everyone behind. And I guess the thoughts are so strong that I seem to have it carried in my head till now. I'm still ready to go if need be.

By going, I do not mean the hemming and hawing, threatening to gain something, seeking attention - kind of exit. I totally abhor the idea of anyone using death as a pawn. I used to have this classmate of mine who uses scissors to slit her wrist, mostly just a notion to others that she'll kill herself if her partner breaks up with her. I recalled making a remark, "please lah, that blunt scissors of yours won't work. use a penknife will you?"

I used to think I love myself too much to take away my own life. Narcissism yo. And, the reason why people commit suicide is due to overdosage of pop culture. Young kids (and even adults) nowadays watch too much TV, movies and whatnot, leading them to think that suicide is the easy way out.

Ironically, it's happening to me.



I want to be truly happy. But the seemingly easy task isn't exactly as simple as what many might perceive. I feel that everything I do is a facade. I may appear to be jovial, smiles and all, but am I really happy? And recently, I noticed I've reached a certain low mood that is somewhat akin to someone pouring cold water on me whenever and whatever I do. Thankfully, Ginette's surprise appearance at my birthday party made me feel that kind of joy I had never felt before.



But that's just one thing. How can I feel happy for the rest of the things that I'm currently at?

It is not depression, is it? Gosh, no. I can never have depression lah. I seriously have no idea why I'm like this now. I have the things I craved for, the best lover and the greatest friends around me, I SHOULD be happy right? It is definitely not the issue that I don't feel contented. In fact, I am very much contented. If you were to ask me, I'm sometimes too easily satisfied that it's actually a bad thing.

Maybe it's ARMY. MUST BE. EFFING NATIONAL SERVICE MAKE ME SO EMO AND SHIT. BAH!

Okay I'm starting to blabber so let's just leave this as it is. Ciao.